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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29368215">and hear the ocean sigh</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/samaelstoker/pseuds/samaelstoker'>samaelstoker</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Pillars of Eternity</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Fire Godlike Watcher - Freeform, First Kiss, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Island Aumaua Watcher, Light Angst, M/M, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Minor Dissociation, but before entering the defiance bay catacombs in never far from the queen, takes place at the beginning of the second act after a call to court and time and tide</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 05:20:35</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,043</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29368215</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/samaelstoker/pseuds/samaelstoker</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Tehanu has always kept people at a distance. One night, Kana doesn't let him anymore.</p>
<p>  <i>Tehanu weighed the idea to remove his gloves as well, distractedly playing with one’s hem, and bit his lip. He should say something anyway, sooner or later. He wasn’t wearing armour anymore that wasn't his own clothes–a worn gambeson, trousers, a pair of boots–and the moment had come for him to fulfill his part of the deal and let Kana take down his last walls. Yet, he still hesitated.</i></p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Kana Rua/The Watcher</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>16</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>and hear the ocean sigh</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Two sharp knocks on the door untangled Tehanu from his thoughts.</p>
<p>“It’s open,” he said. He stood up from the bed, feeling a dull ache in his legs after sitting for so long, distantly wondering what had impeded Pallegina that evening.</p>
<p>Kana took a tentative step into the room. He had stripped off his travelling clothes, save for his hat, in favour of cleaner, simpler ones. The laces were loosened around the neck of his shirt; the darker patterns of his skin peeked over his exposed collarbone. He was alone, too, the open door behind him merely framing the dimly lit hallways of Brighthollow. </p>
<p>Tehanu lowered his gaze and focused on the vambraces of his own armor, still laced, and started fussing with the left buckle in a clumsy attempt at dissimulation.</p>
<p>“I was waiting for Pallegina,” he said after a moment. He could imagine Kana’s curious gaze focused on him while his gloved hands failed every possible attempt at opening the buckle. He bit his lip.</p>
<p>“I know,” Kana replied. There was an unusual nervous note in his voice that caught Tehanu’s attention and caused him to lift his head from his pretended work. Kana was contemplating the flames in the fireplace as they slowly went and turned into embers, but he must’ve felt Tehanu’s attention shift to him because he turned and smiled. Even his smile, noticed Tehanu, had a faint nervous curve; there weren’t any dimples on his cheeks and his lips were pulled in such a thin line that he could almost glimpse the sharp points of his teeth.</p>
<p>Kana continued, “I asked her if I could take her place tonight.” He tapped his chin with a finger and shifted his weight from one foot to the other. “It’s been a while since the last time we were able to talk–just the two of us alone–and given,” Kana seemed to consider his next words carefully, "<em>how </em> our last conversation ended…” he made a nervous gesture as if to indicate the empty space that was between them, then he frowned. “I thought– feared that you wanted, for some reason, to avoid my company. So–”</p>
<p>Tehanu clenched his jaw, his teeth clicking in the action. He stopped pretending to be taking care of his buckle and his arms fell to his sides. He stared Kana down as he'd have done an opponent with a drawn weapon. “So you decided to ambush me,” he said, his tone hard. His throat was knotted and his voice sounded hoarse, as if coming out it had gotten scratched on his vocal chords. He felt exposed, raw and naked in his own room despite still donning full armour, all while Kana came to him armed with only a smile and kind words.</p>
<p>“It wasn’t my intention–” Kana stopped, eyes wide with shock. He opened his mouth as if he was about to continue, then dragged a hand over his face and shook his head. “No, you’re right, it is– wrong. <em> I </em> was wrong.”</p>
<p>Kana’s smile faded from his lips and Tehanu bit his own. He should’ve felt relieved seeing Kana linger a little in the doorway, in hearing his murmured goodbyes, knowing that soon he could cloak himself in the silence of the room again. And yet, the recognition that after that night Kana wouldn’t reserve his prettiest smile for him, that he wouldn’t search for his gaze entering a room, it crushed him as much as knowing that indulging this feeling would only bring Kana pain.</p>
<p>“I’ll tell Pallegina to come over,” Kana was saying, one hand on the door handle and his knuckles white. His hat had slid onto his forehead and as he had a few days prior, Tehanu felt the need to fix it, to comb his hand through Kana’s curls and figure out if they were as soft as they looked. That time, when he had approached him to gently move the hat aside, Kana had welcomed his touch with no fear and had parted his lips with a soft sigh, expecting a kiss that never came; Tehanu had stepped away and left him alone.</p>
<p>“Wait.” Tehanu crossed his arms on his chest, hoping to hide the anxious tremble of his hands. “Wait,” he said again, trying to find order in the words scattered across his thoughts. He couldn’t. From his lips slipped out a nervous groan. “Kana,” he said then, because he didn’t know what else to do.</p>
<p>Kana took a step into the room, clicking the door shut behind him as he did. He was biting the inside of his cheek as he did when he was focusing on a target before pulling the trigger, but his demeanor betrayed his hesitation. He opened his mouth to say something, but Tehanu stopped him with a raised hand.</p>
<p>“I tried to push you away. Because...” Tehanu took a breath through his nose and exhaled through his teeth. “I was scared. I was scared that I might hurt you. But I hurt you all the same. Forgive me.”</p>
<p>Kana shook his head and laughed sadly. Tehanu dug his fingers into his arms until the pressure became sharp pain.</p>
<p>“Tehanu,” Kana started, pushing a strand of hair behind his ear, “do you think that if you really could have hurt me I would still be here?”</p>
<p>A moment of silence followed, accompanied by the crackle of the logs in the fireplace. A piece of wood fell in the burning coals, adding a hollow note to the concert.</p>
<p><em> How can you be so sure? </em> Tehanu tried to say, but the words died again on his tongue. He shook his head.</p>
<p>“I should also offer my apologies,” Kana continued, “I acted on a selfish thought and brought you as much pain as you thought you brought me.”</p>
<p>“I’m fine,” Tehanu rasped.</p>
<p>“As you can see, I’m just as fine.” There was maybe a flicker of melancholy in his voice that made Tehanu almost believe Kana was about to point out his obvious lie, but then Kana smiled and his lips curled in his usual playful grin. He raised a finger. “Let me make you an offer then: you let me help you take off your armor in Pallegina’s stead, then we can talk. Or– do anything else, really, whatever you may wish. In any case, I can’t imagine that thing to be light; you must be aching everywhere.” Kana gestured towards the general direction of Tehanu’s chest, still protected by the armor.</p>
<p>He wasn’t. In the course of his career as a mercenary Tehanu had worn far more uncomfortable, mismatched and heavier armours of way lower workmanship than the simple cuirass he wore now and for far longer; he wasn’t a stranger to nights spent on cold hard ground after long hours of marching, fighting exhaustion with a weapon in his hands, meeting the gaze of his enemy on the battlefield. It was a kind of toil he was used to, the pains of which he welcomed with ease. Kana couldn't have known; the calluses on his hands came from the strings of a lute, not the hilt of a sword.</p>
<p>Tehanu nodded, then thought that Kana deserved to hear an affirmation aloud, so he said, “Yes. It’s a deal.”</p>
<p>“Perfect.” Kana’s face lit up. Tehanu thought he should’ve been the grateful one, not the other way around, that he should be thanking Kana for staying despite being treated so poorly; Tehanu also thought that Kana’s smile had no reason to be this beautiful, but still, he loved it.</p>
<p>To give Kana better access to the buckles that closed the cuirass on his shoulders, Tehanu turned his back to him. He heard Kana approach him just a moment later. He bit his lip, anticipating the feeling of vulnerability that would come with Kana’s hands on his body.</p>
<p>Kana’s touch started tentatively, until his hands found the first buckle hidden under Tehanu’s right pauldron. When Kana started working on the lacing and Tehanu felt his fingers slip between the gaps of the armor, a breath he didn’t realise he was holding slipped out from between his teeth. It rang out heavy in the silence of the room.</p>
<p>“Is something the matter?” Kana stilled. “I didn’t make a mistake, did I?”</p>
<p>“No, you didn’t.” His voice came out hoarse again. Tehanu wet his lips. “Don’t worry.”</p>
<p>Kana went back to work and Tehanu stared straight ahead, meeting his reflection’s eyes on the window glass. His double looked back at him, tense on the other side of the glass, its skin pulled tight on its face and its eyes hollowed, the impression of its teeth left on the bottom lip. It looked like a ghost, one of the spirits that haunted his sleeping and waking hours both, except this one had hounded him for all his life; the cracks that framed its face reflected in a vivid red under the dark exterior of its skin as the flames that overran its body glowed hazily. It was crowned with four sets of horns that burned like embers.</p>
<p>While he went back to work on his vambraces, Tehanu was grateful he never let anyone mount a mirror in the room when it had been refurbished after Brighthollow’s restoration. An unpleasant sensation of inadequacy congealed in his throat.</p>
<p>This time, the buckles opened with ease and Tehanu slipped them off, letting them fall to the floor with a thud. Kana was still working on the belts securing the pauldron, humming softly under his breath.</p>
<p>Tehanu cleared his throat. "I can show you how to unlace that."</p>
<p>"No, there's no need." Satisfaction sounded evident in Kana's voice, and a moment later the pauldron was falling to the floor with a clang, not far from the vambraces. "I practiced helping Pallegina with hers – that is partly the reason I was so late." Kana started working on the other pauldron, his movements steadier, more precise. "I wanted to be sure I would be doing it right," he chuckled softly "And show you that you were going to be in good hands – I'm a quick study, I’ll have you know."</p>
<p>“Ah.” Tehanu swallowed saliva. “I see.” He didn’t know what to do with Kana’s statement. He fiddled around with it in his mind, as if by studying it from a different angle its meaning would change or it would give him something important enough to offer Kana in return.</p>
<p>"Be careful, though," he said after a moment, trying to push the thought of Kana's words aside, focusing instead on loosening the cuirass plates. "When I wear armour for a long time the metal usually heats up." Then, as if he didn't warn Kana enough, he added, "I could burn you."</p>
<p>Leather stopped scraping on metal and a moment later Tehanu felt a light pressure on his side still covered in armour: Kana had touched him with a naked hand. Tehanu stopped, gloved hands closed on the edge of the plate, immobile, a breath interrupted at the inhale. </p>
<p>"I wouldn't say it's burning, it's more warm than anything else." Kana withdrew his hand and went back to work on the buckles. "And it feels nice, actually."  </p>
<p>Tehanu exhaled. He didn’t know how to answer that, so he let the echo of Kana’s words fade until Kana started humming again and Tehanu managed to focus again on his cuirass – which wasn’t burning and was, instead, pleasantly warm.</p>
<p>One at a time, every piece of Tehanu’s armor fell to the floor with the others. Pallegina would have taken less time, since undoing each other’s armour was a ritual that she and Tehanu had perfected over weeks of travelling together, but with practice Kana was becoming more and more careful and thorough, and with every piece of armour took off his body, Tehanu felt like part of a burden he’d been carrying for a long time was taken off his shoulders.</p>
<p>While slipping off his chainmail, careful not to let any of the small metal rings catch on his horns, Tehanu’s thoughts lingered on the song Kana had been humming–and was humming still, as he took step back to give Tehanu enough space to undress–all that time. It sounded like a nursery rhyme, maybe, one he had never heard Kana sing and to which Tehanu didn’t know the words.</p>
<p>When the chainmail fell to the ground with a metallic rattle and the room fell into silence, Tehanu pondered the thought to ask Kana what was the song about to break that sudden quiet. Instead, he bit his tongue: he thought if Kana were willing to help him again, he could ask him then; he could ask him to sing it again. </p>
<p>Tehanu weighed the idea to remove his gloves as well, distractedly playing with one’s hem, and bit his lip. He should say something anyway, sooner or later. He wasn’t wearing armour anymore that wasn't his own clothes–a worn gambeson, trousers, a pair of boots–and the moment had come for him to fulfill his part of the deal and let Kana take down his last walls. Yet, he still hesitated. </p>
<p>As if perceiving Tehanu's uncertainty on how to act, Kana cleared his throat with a cough and said, "I know I promised you a choice, but I wish to tell you one last thing beforehand."</p>
<p>Tehanu stayed quiet, so Kana continued, "I can't pretend to know your intentions about that night, but I can speak about mine: I would have liked to kiss you, had you let me."</p>
<p>For a moment, Tehanu met again his reflection’s gaze in the glass window. Feebly in its eyes burned, maybe, hope. The double’s lips moved in sync with his, “Do you want to, still?” It asked slowly.</p>
<p>Tehanu heard Kana laugh – it sounded liberating. "Tehanu," he said, his tone light, "I came into this room wanting nothing more than to kiss you– my wish hasn't changed."</p>
<p>Tehanu turned around. He hadn’t realised how close he and Kana stood; not much farther apart than the length of an arm. Tehanu could have held out a hand and touched his face. Kana anticipated it, reaching out first with his hand.</p>
<p>Automatically, moved by an irrational fear, Tehanu caught his wrist. Some unspoken question lurked behind Kana’s expression and the smile wavered on his lips. “You– don’t have to indulge me, if that isn’t what you want,” he said.</p>
<p>Tehanu shook his head. Even through the rough thickness of the gloves, Tehanu could feel Kana’s steady pulse – he could wholly circle his wrist with his fingers. <em> I can’t hurt him– I don’t want to</em>.</p>
<p>Slowly, Tehanu brought Kana’s wrist to his mouth, pressing it lightly to his lips. Kana unfolded his fingers, softly caressing Tehanu’s cheek with his fingertips, following the line of the cracks that framed his face. There was sweetness and curiosity in his touch. Tehanu’s breath caught behind his teeth. “I don’t deserve this kindness,” he said, the impression of Kana’s touch still on his skin. “I don’t know if I will ever be able to return it.”</p>
<p>Kana ran his fingers again over Tehanu’s face. Jaw, cheek, cheekbone. “You did already, Tehanu.” He said, lips curled in a sweet smile and with dimples on his cheeks. “May I kiss you?”</p>
<p>Tehanu let go of Kana’s wrist and placed his hand on the back of Kana’s. He closed his eyes and nodded slowly, lowering his face while Kana slightly raised his.</p>
<p>They met each other halfway. As Tehanu brushed Kana's mouth with his own, Kana parted his lips with a soft sigh. The kiss started gently, a light brushing of lips. Exploring, tentative – pleasant. Superficial enough for Tehanu not to dwell over his own narrow experience. Kana's mouth was soft and his lips tasted like what was left of something sweeter; honey, maybe, Tehanu knew Kana had made a habit of visiting the kitchen before going to bed. He knew, too, that he didn’t taste as good: like swallowing a mouthful of ashes, he had been once told.</p>
<p>After a moment, Tehanu felt Kana slide his hand away, delicately following the lines cracking Tehanu’s skin with the tips of his fingers and stopping at the juncture of neck and shoulder just over the hem of his gambeson. Kana could have pressed to have more, more skin to touch, more access to his mouth, but his hand stayed there on Tehanu’s shoulder, a firm but barely perceptible presence, and he let Tehanu lead the rhythm of the kiss, and Tehanu was silently grateful for it.</p>
<p>Now that both his hands were free, Tehanu moved them to Kana’s hips and closed the short distance that was still keeping them apart. </p>
<p>Kana moaned quietly when the angle of the kiss changed and Tehanu stepped back a moment later, a pleasant-unpleasant feeling of anticipation tightening in his chest. </p>
<p>On Kana’s face widened a happy and pleased smile. He was beautiful, immersed in the warm halo of the dying flames in the fireplace. His hat had slipped sideways again, letting a cascade of dark curls fall to frame his face. Tehanu could have fixed it and Kana would have let him.</p>
<p>Tentatively, Tehanu combed a hand through Kana's hair and Kana indulged in the touch, letting Tehanu fix a couple of loose strands behind his ear. They were as soft as he had wondered. Tehanu fixed Kana's hat and kissed the corner of Kana's mouth as he had wanted to do that first time.</p>
<p>Sagani had once said how tedious kissing could be if done for an awful lot of time – considering his past experiences, Tehanu had silently agreed; now, though, the idea sounded horribly wrong: if he could have kept kissing Kana forever, he would have done it.</p>
<p>"You're so wonderful," Tehanu murmured, his hands shaking slightly against Kana's skin.</p>
<p>"Ah." Kana shook his head and laughed quietly. The tips of his ears had reddened. "I should be the one saying that." He cleared his throat and then, serious, he said, "Tehanu, you're wonderful too." His smile widened. "May I kiss you again?"</p>
<p>Tehanu nodded, a small and awkward smile pulling at the corner of his mouth, and lowered his head to let Kana kiss the tip of his nose.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>title from <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XN4M-udTALM">here</a>. it has become sort of the ost for the pair, too, tbh</p>
<p>plus, if you want a better idea of how Tehanu looks like, you can find him <a href="https://whenyoulosesmallmind.tumblr.com/post/638272250243645440/tehanu-watcher-of-caed-nua-hes-not-cross-just">here</a> and <a href="https://whenyoulosesmallmind.tumblr.com/post/641143635238420480/oc-info-meme-tehanu-tagged-by-mocha-writes-im"> here</a> as well</p>
<p>to be honest, I have to say that I didn't think I would get this far. I started writing this just a few days after finishing the first poe game, with a sort of outline in mind that spiralled from scraps of dialogues to... <em>this</em> in about a month. tbh, I was probably fuelled by the need to get more Kana Rua content out in the world XD<br/>but, yeah, be it that or anything else, I enjoyed writing this fic like I had not enjoyed writing anything else in a long time and I owe this to the friends that supported me through my unbearable poe hype, too. so, thank you to <a href="https://radicalhoodie.tumblr.com/">bea</a> for putting up with me irl and for the help with the initial translation of the fic and to jo, <a href="https://helvetin-venus.tumblr.com/">jasko</a> and <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/1mocha/pseuds/1mocha">mocha</a> for listening to my endless whining over Tehanu and Kana on discord - honorable mention to mocha, who beta'd the whole fic and made it make sense in english, I would've been lost without you &lt;3<br/>any kind of feedback is appreciated, and I hope this fic was at least a bit as entertaining to read as it was writing it for me ;)</p>
<p>yell at me on tumblr: <a href="https://whenyoulosesmallmind.tumblr.com/">whenyoulosesmallmind</a></p></blockquote></div></div>
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